NirvanaPeace

Peace, Love, Joy, and Imagination…

Madonna…My Fave

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October 31, 2008 Posted by | Madonna | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Classic Rodney

I was so poor growing up … If I wasn’t born a boy … I’d have had nothing to play with.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

If it weren’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, “Hey buddy, why are you doing that?” He said, “Because you came home early.”

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning … put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid … when I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I was such an ugly baby … my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I’m so ugly … my father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born … the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, “We did everything we could … but he pulled through.”

I’m so ugly … my mother had morning sickness after I was born.

Once when I was lost … I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” “He said, “I don’t know kid … there are so many places they can hide.”

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I’m so ugly … I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get.

I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror… I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?” He said, “I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.”

I went to the doctor because I’d swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

October 30, 2008 Posted by | Funnies, Jokes | , , | Leave a comment

Bunny and Bob

Bunny and Bob, two frequent users of a chat room, discovered that they had a lot in common. Eventually, they abandoned the chat room for a more intimate correspondence. After months of virtual kinkiness, the two decided to meet each other face-to-face at a small café.

Bunny arrived a little late. One customer, a short, frail man with an eye patch, sat at the back of the café.

“Are you Bob?” asked Bunny.

“Yes I am,” said Bob.

“Unbelievable!” Bunny exclaimed. “You told me you were tall, dark and handsome.”

“How do you think I feel?” Bob asked, his face turning red with shame. “You told me you were skinny, blonde, and female!”

October 30, 2008 Posted by | Funnies, Jokes | , , , , | Leave a comment

A Year to Live

A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live.

He decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.

“What you should do is go out and buy a late ’70 or early ’80 model Dodge Pickup,” said the Pastor. “Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma.”

The fellow asked, “Will this help me live longer?”

“No,” said the pastor, “but it will make what time you do have seem like forever.”

October 30, 2008 Posted by | Funnies, Jokes | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Maid

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers. The guy says, ” Who is this?”

“This is the maid,” answers the woman

“We don’t have a maid,” says the man.

The woman says, “I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.”

The man says, “Well, this is her husband. Is she there?”

The woman replies, “She is upstairs in bed with someone who I figured was her husband.”

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, “Listen, would you like to make $50,000?”

The maid says, “What will I have to do?”

The man tells her, “I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot her and the jerk she’s with.”

The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and the 2 gun shots. The maid comes back to the phone, “What do I do with the bodies?”

The man says, “Throw them in the swimming pool.”

Puzzled, the maid answers, “But you don’t have a pool.”

After a long pause the man says, “Is this 832-4821?”

October 30, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Charm School

Two delicate flowers of Southern womanhood were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The first woman said, “When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me.”

The second woman commented, “Well, isn’t that nice.”

The first woman continued “When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive.”

Again, the second woman commented, “Well, isn’t that nice.”

The first woman boasted “Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.”

Yet again, the second woman commented “Well, isn’t that nice.”

The first woman then asked her companion, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?”

The second woman replied “My husband sent me to charm school.”

“Charm school!” the first woman cried “land sakes, child, what on Earth for?”

The second woman responded, “So that instead of saying ‘who gives a flying freak’, I learned to say ‘Well, isn’t that nice’.”

October 30, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

New Parrot

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn’t be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much the bird cost. The owner said it was $50.

Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn’t more expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.” The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She told the owner that she still wanted the bird. The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.” The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s not so bad.” A couple hours later, the woman’s two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, “New house, new madam, new whores.” The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than began to laugh about the situation.

A couple of hours later, the woman’s husband, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said,”New house, new madam, new whores. same old faces. Hi Ray.”

October 30, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

My Name is…

A businessman boarded a flight and was lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchanged brief hellos and he noticed she was reading a manual about sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she replied, “This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What’s yours?”

He coolly replied, “Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you.”

October 30, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

A Leisurely Drive

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be losing my mind. I swear we just went right through a red light.”

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again, and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was mistaken.

She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through. She turned to the woman driving and said, “Jan! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!”

Jan turned to her and said, “Oh, am I driving?”

October 30, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Pakistani Sandals

A married couple were on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

>From inside they heard a gentleman with a heavy Pakistani accent call to them in English, “You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.” So the couple walked in.

The Pakistani said to them, “I have some special sandals I think you will be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel.”

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, “How could sandals make you into a sex freak?” The Pakistani replied, “Just try them on.” Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn’t seen in many years. raw sexual power.

In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy’s pants, while the Pakistani man was screaming, “YOU HAVING THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!”

October 30, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment