NirvanaPeace

Peace, Love, Joy, and Imagination…

Little Johnnys

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that her students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. She wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So she asked her class, “Where is Jesus today?” Steven raised his hand and said, “He’s in heaven.” Mary was called on and answered, “He’s in my heart.” Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, “I know! I know! He’s in our bathroom!!!” The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, she gathered her wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said, “Well…every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, “Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!”

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying attention in class. She called on him and said, “Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?” Little Johnny quickly replied, “NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!”

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this. The teacher says, “Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today.” Little Johnny says to himself “Good, I want to get outta here. I’m smart and will answer the question.”
The teacher asked, “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?”
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, “Abraham Lincoln.”
The teacher said “That’s right Susie, you can go home.”
Johnny was MAD that Susie had answered the question first.
The teacher asked another question, “Who said ‘I Have a Dream’?”
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, “Martin Luther King”.
The teacher said, “That’s right Mary, you can go.”
Johnny was even madder than before.
The teacher asked, “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for you’?”
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, “John F. Kennedy”.
The teacher said, “That’s right Nancy, you may also leave.”
Johnny was BOILING mad that he had not been able to answer to any of the questions.
Then the teacher turned her back and Johnny said, “I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!”
The teacher turned around and asked, “WHO SAID THAT?”
Johnny said, BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?”

Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Susie’s father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says “Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.” Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, “Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?” Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies “In Susie’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.” Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, “Okay then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Susie.” Again, Johnny instantly replies, “Our allowance… Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine.” By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won’t have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, “Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?”

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says “Well, we’ve been lucky so far…”

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike. “Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300,” he asked. “Easy, Dad,” little Johnny replied. “I earned it hiking.” “Come on Johnny,” the father said. “Tell me the truth.” “That is the truth,” Johnny replied. “Every night you were gone, Mom’s boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He’d give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!”

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool. “You’re not allowed to pee in the pool,” said the lifeguard. “I’m going to report you.” “But everyone pees in the pool,” said Little Johnny.

“Maybe,” said the lifeguard, “but not from the diving board!”

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, stand up!” After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny? “No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom’s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, “I need a man, I need a man!” Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning “Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!”

Little Johnny is passing his parents’ bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims “Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?” Daddy, relieved that Johnny’s not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out “Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!”

Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week and said, “Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door. They undressed and got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and ….” The mother held up her hand and said, “Not another word! Wait until your father gets home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you’ve just told me.” The father came home and the wife tells him that she’s leaving him. “But why?” croaked the husband. “Go ahead, Johnny. Tell Daddy what you’ve just told me.” “Well,” said little Johnny, “I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob.”

A salesman rang the door bell and little Johnny answered. The salesman asked if his father as at home. Little Johnny: “Yes.” The salesman: “Well, can I see him please?” Little Johnny: “No, he is in the shower.” The Salesman asked if his mother was at home. Little Johnny: “Yes.” The Salesman: “Well can I see her?” Little Johnny: “No, she’s in the shower too..” The Salesman: “Do you think they will be out soon?” Little Johnny: “No.” The salesman asked why. Little Johnny: “Well, when my dad asked me for the vaseline I gave him some super glue instead.”

A police officer had a perfect hiding place for catching speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit. The officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand-painted sign which said:

“RADAR TRAP AHEAD”

A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy’s accomplice,… Little Johnny, about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading:

“TIPS” and a bucket at his feet……….. full of change.

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October 30, 2008 - Posted by | Uncategorized

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