NirvanaPeace

Peace, Love, Joy, and Imagination…

True Doctor Stories

“At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. “Big breaths,” I instructed. “Yes, they used to be,” remorsed the patient.”

“One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a “massive internal fart.”

“I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, “Cover your right eye with your hand.” He read the 20/20 line perfectly.” Now your left.” Again, a flawless read. “Now both,” I requested. There was silence. He couldn’t even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. ”

“During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. “Which one?”, asked the doctor. “The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!” The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn’t see, Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. “

“While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, “How long have you been bedridden?” After a look of complete confusion she answered, “Why, not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive.”

“I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, “So how’s your breakfast this morning?” “It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,” the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled “KY jelly.”

November 6, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Soap Opera

The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests. The hotel ended up submitting the letters to the Sunday Times.

Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather.

Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

Thank you,
S. Berman

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Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off.
I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily.

I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy,
Relief Maid

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Dear Maid

I hope you are my regular maid.

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening, I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.

I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Imperial Leather, so I won’t need those 6 little Camays, which are on the shelf. They are in the way when shaving, brushing teeth etc.

Please remove them.

S. Berman

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Dear Mr. Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience.

If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension xxxx between 8AM and 5PM.

Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

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Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don’t get back before 5:30 or 6.00 PM. That’s the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr.. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap.

The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet, along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf.

In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman

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Dear Mr. Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and to remove the extra soaps.

If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5 PM.

Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper

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Dear Mr. Kensedder,

My bath-size Imperial Leather is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room, including my own bath-size Imperial Leather.

I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman

———————————————————————

Dear Mr.. Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room.

The situation will be rectified immediately.

Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager

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Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?

I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don’t want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Imperial Leather.

Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath-size Imperial Leather.
Please give me back my bath-size Imperial Leather.

S. Berman

———————————————————————

Dear Mr.. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed.

Then you complained to Mr.. Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily.

I don’t know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets.

Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays.

I don’t know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Imperial Leather.

I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

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Dear Mrs.. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.

As of today I possess:

* On the shelf under the medicine cabinet -18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
* On the Kleenex dispenser – 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
* On the bedroom dresser – 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
* Inside the medicine cabinet – 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
* In the shower soap dish – 6 Camay, very moist.
* On the northeast corner of the tub – 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
* On the northwest corner of the tub – 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip.
May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.

One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Imperial Leather, which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

S. Berman

November 6, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Amazing Facts

There were 43,687 toilet related accidents in the United States in 1996.

A group of officers is called a mess.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

Car airbags kill 1 person for every 22 lives that they save.

Cell phones have more bacteria and germs than public restroom toilet seats.

A completely blind chameleon will still take on the colors of its environment.

When gentlemen in medieval Japan wished to seal an agreement, they urinated together, crisscrossing their streams of urine.

During the 13th century, the word girl meant any young person, whether male or female.

40% of Americans experience mental disorders some time in their life.

“In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed more firm to sleep on. Hence the phrase “goodnight, sleep tight”.”

Father Christmas originally was depicted as wearing green. In the early 30’s coke-cola gave him a red outfit instead to go with their adverts and that has stuck ever since.

Coughing can cause air to move through your windpipe faster than the speed of sound — over a thousand feet per second!

At 120 miles per hour, a Formula One car generates so much downforce that it can drive upside down on the roof of a tunnel.

Men are 6 times more likely to be struck by lightning than women!

In 1999, Pepsi, Inc. paid $0.00 in income tax!

The phrase ‘don’t throw the baby out with the bath water’ comes from the medieval days when people would have a bath once or twice a year – it would start with the head of the family having his bath right down to the lowest member of the family (the baby) apparently the water was so dirty you could literally lose a baby in it!

Cats’ urine glows under a black light.

When nobody else is around, 47% of people drink straight from the carton.

The U.S. Army accidentally ordered an 82 year supply of freeze-dried tuna salad mix for troops in Europe.

A Porcupine (sorry, can’t spell it!) can float in water!

Also, did you know a lobsters blood is blue?

Mayonnaise is 70% fat

Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a “Friday the 13th.”

A cockroach can live without its head for an entire week

In the great fire of London, in 1666, half of London was burnt down but only 6 people were injured.

November 6, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

More Amazing Facts

Each year 30,000 people are seriously injured by exercise equipment.

More than 50% of the world have never made or received a telephone call.

The word “set” has more definitions than any other word in the English language.

Due to gravitational effects, you weigh slightly less when the moon is directly overhead.

A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.

In its ancient form, the carrot was purple, not orange.

Snails breathe through their feet!

Its illegal to own a red car in Shanghai, China.

The first CD pressed in the USA was Bruce Springsteen’s ‘Born in the USA’.

The bat on the Bacardi symbol is there because the soil where the sugar cane grows is fertile from the excessive guano (bat droppings.)

2 out of 5 people live in China or India.

Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonalds.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

90% of people who read that will attempt it…

Recycling one glass jar, saves enough energy to watch TV for 3 hours.

Annually, the amount of garbage dumped in the worlds oceans, is three times the weight of fish that is caught from the oceans.

Most lipstick contains fish scales!

What’s the most shoplifted book in the United States? The Bible!

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

97% of all paper money in the US contains traces of cocaine.

More than 10 people a year are killed by vending machines.

In America in 1977, the punishment for smuggling marijuana was 15 years less than the punishment for smuggling coffee!

November 6, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Lawyer Questions and Answers

Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

“Now doctor, isn’t it true, that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”

 “The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?”

“Were you present when your picture was taken?”

“Were you alone or by yourself?”

“Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?”

 “Did he kill you?”

 “How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?”

 “You were there until the time you left, is that true?”

“How many times have you committed suicide?”

Q: “So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?”
A: “Yes.”
Q: “And what were you doing at that time?”

Q: “She had three children, right?”
A: “Yes.”
Q: “How many were boys?”
A: “None.”
Q: “Were there any girls?”

Q: “You say the stairs went down to the basement?”
A: “Yes.”
Q: “And these stairs, did they go up also?”

Q: “Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?
A: “I went to Europe, sir.”
Q: “And you took your new wife?”

Q: “How was your first marriage terminated?”
A: “By death.”
Q: “And by whose death was it terminated?”

Q: “Can you describe the individual?”
A: “He was about medium height and had a beard.”
Q: “Was this a male or female?”

Q: “Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?”
A: “No, this is how I dress when I go to work.”

Q: “Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?”
A: “All my autopsies are performed on dead people.”

Q: “All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?”
A: “Oral.”

Q: “Do you recall the time that you examined the body?”
A: “The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.”
Q: “And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?”
A: “No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.”

Q: “You were not shot in the fracas?”
A: “No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.”

Q: “Are you qualified to give a urine sample?”
A: “I have been since early childhood.”

Q: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”
A: “No.”
Q: “Did you check for blood pressure?”
A: “No.”
Q: “Did you check for breathing?”
A: “No.”
Q: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”
A: “No.”
Q: “How can you be so sure, doctor?”
A: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”
Q: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”
A: “It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.”

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

November 6, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

San Diego Zoo Story

Some years ago, the famous San Diego Zoo opened a second, larger branch called the San Diego Wild Animal Park. The Park is built around an enormous open-field enclosure where the animals roam free. To see the animals, visitors ride on a monorail called the Wgasa Bush Line which circles the enclosure. Here’s the true story of how the Wgasa Bush Line got its name.

They wanted to give the monorail a jazzy, African sounding name. So they sent out a memo to a bunch of zoo staffers saying, “What shall we call the monorail at the Wild Animal Park?” One of the memos came back with “WGASA” written on the bottom. The planners loved it and the rest is history. What the planners didn’t know was that the zoo staffer had not intended to suggest a name. He was using an acronym which was popular at the time.

It stood for “Who Gives A S**t Anyhow?”

November 6, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Crazy like a Fox

True Story…

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.

The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.

November 6, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Killer Biscuits

The actual AP headline:

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda’s eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she’d been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.

She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

………..And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

November 6, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Language

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe. gdooybe.

November 6, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

The Mime

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo’s most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it’s a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion’s cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.

The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, “Help, Help me!”, but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, “Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?”

November 6, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment