NirvanaPeace

Peace, Love, Joy, and Imagination…

Friendship

Are you tired of those

sissy ‘friendship’ poems

that always sound good,

but never actually come close

to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of

True Friendship.

You WON’ T see

cutesy little smiley faces

on this card-

Just the stone cold truth

of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad,

I will jump on the person

who made you sad

like a spider monkey

jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!

2. When you are blue,

I will try to dislodge

whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile,

I will know you are

plotting something

that I must be involved in.

4. When you’re scared,

we will high tail it out of here..

5. When you are worried,

I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse

it could be until you

quit whining, ya big baby!!!!

6. When you are confused,

I will use little words.

7. When you are sick,

Stay away from me

until you are well again.

I don’t want whatever you have.

8. When you fall,

I’ll pick you up

and dust you off–

After I laugh my butt off!!

9. This is my oath…

I pledge it to the end.

‘Why?’ you may ask;

— because you are my FRIEND!

***********************
Friendship is like peeing your pants,

everyone can see it,

but only YOU

can feel the

true warmth..

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January 15, 2009 Posted by | Funnies | , , | Leave a comment

Christ Tattoo

January 15, 2009 Posted by | Tattoos | , , | Leave a comment

Funny exchanges between pilots and ground crews…

Supposedly these are real. Thought some of the pilots on here might like these.

****************************
Tower: “TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.”

TWA 2341: “Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?”

Tower: “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?”

**************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m f…ing bored!”

Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”

Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f…ing bored, not f…ing stupid!”

***************************
O’Hare Approach Control to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.”

United 329: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this…I’ve got the little Fokker in sight.”

*************************
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long rollout after touching down.

San Jose Tower noted: “American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.

If you are not able, take the Guadelupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.”

***************************
There’s a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running “a bit peaked”.

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

“Ah,” the fighter pilot remarked, “The dreaded seven-engine approach.”

******************************
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?”

Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.”

Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?”

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): “Because you lost the bloody war!”

*****************************
Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7”

Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”

Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?”

BR Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern… we’ve already notified our caterers.”

******************************
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, “What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?”

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: “I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing llike yours and I’ll have enough parts for another one.”

*******************************
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.”

Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.”

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”

Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”

Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, — And I didn’t land.”

******************************
While taxiing at London’s Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: “US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!”

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: “God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?”

“Yes, ma’am,” the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every ****pit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?”

********************************
A C-130 was lumbering along when a ****y F-16 flashed by.

The jet jockey decided to show off.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, ‘watch this!’ and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?

The C-130 pilot said, ‘That was impressive, but watch this!’ The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 Pilot came back on and said: ‘What did you think of that?’
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, ‘What the heck did you do?…’
The C-130 pilot chuckled. ‘I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, went to the bathroom, then got a cup of coffee and a Cinnamon bun.’

January 15, 2009 Posted by | Funnies | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A New Tattoo

tattoo

January 15, 2009 Posted by | Funnies | , , , , | Leave a comment

Microsoft thinking about pay-per-use PC model?

Microsoft may be experimenting with the idea of selling PCs in the same way as cellphones are currently sold, patent filings suggest. A recently-published patent application proposes selling “standard model” PCs at a significant discount, with the rest of the price being subsidized by an unspecified part of the supply chain. The real cost would be shifted into a usage contract, determining how long a person would have to use their machine.

Microsoft admits that a subscription PC would thus be more expensive than a regular one, but argues that the tradeoff would be a longer “useful life” made possible by access to cheaper high-end hardware. A more unusual aspect of the patent is that costs could be linked to the actual usage of hardware and software; running database applications or choosing faster graphics performance, for instance, could raise the price of a subscription.

Buyers might alternately be asked to pick from general packages, such as office, gaming or browsing bundles, each with a different hourly rate; expanding functionality would require switching to a new package. Controlling a person’s ability to use their computer would be a new security module, locking a PC to a given supplier, while also restricting functionality.

January 15, 2009 Posted by | Bad Ideas/Moves, Information Please, Machines | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Oldies Revisited

Some of the great songs of yesteryear are being revised with new lyrics to accommodate their aging fans. They include:

Bobby Darin —
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin’ a Flash.

Herman’s Hermits —
Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Walker .

Ringo Starr —
I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

The Bee Gees —
How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

Roberta Flack—
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash —
I Can’t See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon—
Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

Procol Harem—
A Whiter Shade of Hair.

Leo Sayer —
You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

The Temptations —
Papa’s Got a Kidney Stone.

Abba —
Denture Queen.

Helen Reddy —
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

Leslie Gore—
It’s My Procedure, and I’ll Cry If I Want To.

Willie Nelson —
On the Commode Again

The Righteous Brothers —
You’ve Lost That Livin’ Feeling

Beach Boys
I Wheel Around

Some artists’ songs are still titled appropriately for the geriatric set, although the meaning is different now:

The Association
Windy

Simon and Garfunkle
The Sounds of Silence

Jethro Tull
Living in the Past

Tommy Roe
Dizzy

and finally:

Led Zeppelin
Stairway to Heaven

January 15, 2009 Posted by | Funnies | , , , , | Leave a comment

The Kid and the Dog

This is what spending all day with a 5 yr old boy will do to ya……

I’m Pooped!!!

January 15, 2009 Posted by | Animals | , , , , , | Leave a comment

Cooter and Gomer

Remind us of anyone we might know?

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two bestfriends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, ‘Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.’ The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, ‘Nope, ain’t Bubba.’

The mortician thought this was rather strange, so he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, ‘Yup, he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.’ The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, ‘No, it ain’t Bubba.’

The mortician asked, ‘How can you tell?’

Gomer said, ‘Well, Bubba had two a$$holes.’

‘What? He had two a$$holes?’ asked the mortician.

‘Yup, we never seen ’em, but everybody used to say: ‘There’s Bubba with them two a$$holes.’

If not, you might be one of them!

January 15, 2009 Posted by | Funnies | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

How smart is your right foot?

HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?

This will boggle your mind and you will keep you trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can’t.

It’s pre-programmed in your brain!

1. Without anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY……) and while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number ‘6’ in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.

I told you so!!! And there’s nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you’ve not already done so.

January 15, 2009 Posted by | Funnies, Mysteries | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

And then the fight started…

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive….
So, I took her to a gas station…..
And then the fight started…. 

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,”Do you want to have sex?
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And then the fight started…. 

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’
And she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too.’
And then the fight started….. 

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage .
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather out there is terrible.’
My loving wife of 30 years replied, ‘Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?’
And that’s how the fight started….. 

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’
‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘she’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many & years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’
‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’
And then the fight started….. 

I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it…. He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
‘I AM NOT HAPPY! !!’
So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’
And then the fight started….. 

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’
He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’
‘Nah, she can order for herself.’
And then the fight started….. 

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s darn near perfect.’
And then the fight started…..

January 15, 2009 Posted by | Funnies | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment