NirvanaPeace

Peace, Love, Joy, and Imagination…

Growing old…

Large font on purpose..
old people can read easier with bigger fonts……

An elderly gentleman…
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor
was able to have him
fitted for a set of hearing aids that
allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month
to the doctor and the doctor said,
‘Your hearing is perfect.
Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.’

The gentleman replied,
‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I’ve changed my will three times!’

…………………..

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting
on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
‘Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains.
I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?’

Slim says, ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’

‘Really!? Like a newborn baby!?’

‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.’
…………………………………
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house,
and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said,
‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was
really great. I would recommend it very highly.’

The other man said,
‘What is the name of the restaurant?’

The first man thought and thought and finally said,
‘What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know… The one that’s red and has thorns.’

‘Do you mean a rose?’

‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,
‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’

……………………………….

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.

During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay,
but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.

‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’

‘Sure.’

‘Don’t you think you should
write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.

‘No, I can remember it.’

‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too.
Maybe you should write it down, so’s not to forget it?’

He says, ‘I can remember that.
You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. ‘

‘I’d also like whipped cream,
I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.

Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it!
Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’

Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and
hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment.
Then says
‘Where’s my toast ?’

July 17, 2009 Posted by | Funnies | , , , , , | Leave a comment

Keepin’ It Clean!

 

http://www.raincitystory.com/flash/screenclean.swf

April 22, 2009 Posted by | Funnies | , , , , , | Leave a comment

Democrat Vs. Republican

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.”
She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Republican.”
“I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”
The man smiled and responded, “You must be a Democrat.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist. “But how did you know?”
“Well,” said the man, “You don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You’ve risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You’ve made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect ME to solve your problem. You’re in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now, it’s MY fault.

April 21, 2009 Posted by | Funnies, Jokes | , , , , | Leave a comment

Global Warming…through the decades

February 16, 2009 Posted by | Funnies | , , , , | Leave a comment

Men and Women Jokes

A man calls home to his wife and says, ‘Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing. We’ll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting so, could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend?, …and also get out my rod and tackle box from the attic?
We’re leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up,’ ‘…. Oh! … and please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas.’

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy, but, being the good wife,
she does exactly what her husband asked. Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, ‘Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike.
But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?

The wife replies, ‘I did. They’re in your tackle box.’

A man is undressing in the locker room of the country club after a round of golf, and one of his buddies notices that he is wearing a pair of panties.

“When did you start wearing women’s underwear?” the buddy asks.

The man replied, “Ever since my wife found a pair in the glove box of my car.”

February 13, 2009 Posted by | Jokes, Men/Women | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Johnny’s Hot Bike

It was the summer of 86, my brother-in-law Johnny got a job promotion and decided it was time he got back into riding. He had sold his pan head chopper a few years earlier to make a down payment.

I moved back from Alaska and had bought a new wide glide the summer before, and was telling him of the great adventures I was having. He started shopping around, and found a really nice shovel that had just been rebuilt and the speed shop was wanting their money.

 
It was a pretty bike with a new paint job, it had been stroked, bored and cammed to the max. Johnny had the bike about a week when he rode out to the field to watch us cut wheat. He pulled into the stubble and parked for a few minutes when he decided to ride over to a neighbors house.

 
Johnny kicked the bike over a couple of times when it backfired and set the air cleaner on fire. The carburetor had flooded and soaked the filter with gasoline. He pulled off his T shirt and tried to smother the fire, his shirt caught fire, and the flames were leaping around the gas tank so Johnny pushed the bike over on its side.

 
He pulled his boots of so he could get his jeans off and try to beat the fire out. About the time his jeans caught fire the neighbor had seen the smoke and drove up in his pickup with a shovel. Johnny grabbed the shovel and started trying to smother the fire with dirt. The fuel line had burned in two and the heat had pressurized the tank, the rubber fuel line was spraying gasoline everywhere.

 
Johnny stopped trying when the rear tire blew. I pulled up a few minutes later and saw Johnny standing there in his underwear with bloody feet from trying to dig in the hard ground without boots and streaks down his face where the tears had washed the black soot off.

I looked the situation over and said “would you like a cold beer”? He said “I sure would.” I said “Me too, wish I had some.”

February 11, 2009 Posted by | Funnies | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Why Proper Enunciation is Important…

 In church as with everywhere else it pays to have a decent vocabulary…

In Church…

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, “I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

“Tom was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

“Now,” she announced in a quavering voice,”thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, “I’m Tom.”

The entire congregation held it s breath.

I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum.”

February 10, 2009 Posted by | Funnies | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Obama Currency…Obamadolla

February 10, 2009 Posted by | Funnies, Obama | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Joke of the Day

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize … you need to fart.
The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After
a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.

As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and
that’s when you remember: you’ve been listening to your ipod!

February 6, 2009 Posted by | Funnies | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Don’t mess with the old dogs…

A wealthy old gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa , taking his faithful, elderly dog named Killer, along for the company.

One day the old dog starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old dog thinks, “Oh, no! I’m in it now!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old dog exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. “Whew!”, says the leopard, “That was close! That old dog nearly had me!”

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old dog sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”

Now, the old dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?”, but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old dog says…

“Now where’s that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!”

Moral of this story…
Don’t mess with the old dogs… age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

February 3, 2009 Posted by | Funnies | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment