NirvanaPeace

Peace, Love, Joy, and Imagination…

Traffic Tickets

Police have humorous moments too… 

 “Alledgedly” The following 15 Police Comments were taken from
actual police car videos around the country:

#15 “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re
new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”

#14 “You take your hands off the car, and I’ll make
your birth certificate a worthless document.”

#13 “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

#12 “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn’t know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun.”

#11 “So you don’t know how fast you were going. I
guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”

#10 “Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor,
but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift
supervisor?”

#9 “Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I’m warning
you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

#8 “The answer to this last question will determine
whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

#7 “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a
place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey
DOO.”

#6 “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my
wife gets a toaster oven.”

#5 “In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC.”

#4 “Just how big were those two beers?”

#3 “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to
have quotas but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”

#2 “I’m glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours.
At least you know someone who can post your bail.”

And……………….. THE BEST ONE !!!!!!!

#1 “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets?
… You’re right, we don’t. …. Sign here!

January 16, 2009 Posted by | Dealing with... | , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

The Kid and the Dog

This is what spending all day with a 5 yr old boy will do to ya……

I’m Pooped!!!

January 15, 2009 Posted by | Animals | , , , , , | Leave a comment

And then the fight started…

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive….
So, I took her to a gas station…..
And then the fight started…. 

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,”Do you want to have sex?
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And then the fight started…. 

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’
And she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too.’
And then the fight started….. 

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage .
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather out there is terrible.’
My loving wife of 30 years replied, ‘Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?’
And that’s how the fight started….. 

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’
‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘she’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many & years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’
‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’
And then the fight started….. 

I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it…. He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
‘I AM NOT HAPPY! !!’
So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’
And then the fight started….. 

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’
He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’
‘Nah, she can order for herself.’
And then the fight started….. 

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s darn near perfect.’
And then the fight started…..

January 15, 2009 Posted by | Funnies | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Grandma’s Pies

grandmas-pie

December 5, 2008 Posted by | Funnies | , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment