NirvanaPeace

Peace, Love, Joy, and Imagination…

Growing old…

Large font on purpose..
old people can read easier with bigger fonts……

An elderly gentleman…
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor
was able to have him
fitted for a set of hearing aids that
allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month
to the doctor and the doctor said,
‘Your hearing is perfect.
Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.’

The gentleman replied,
‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I’ve changed my will three times!’

…………………..

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting
on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
‘Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains.
I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?’

Slim says, ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’

‘Really!? Like a newborn baby!?’

‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.’
…………………………………
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house,
and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said,
‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was
really great. I would recommend it very highly.’

The other man said,
‘What is the name of the restaurant?’

The first man thought and thought and finally said,
‘What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know… The one that’s red and has thorns.’

‘Do you mean a rose?’

‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,
‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’

……………………………….

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.

During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay,
but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.

‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’

‘Sure.’

‘Don’t you think you should
write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.

‘No, I can remember it.’

‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too.
Maybe you should write it down, so’s not to forget it?’

He says, ‘I can remember that.
You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. ‘

‘I’d also like whipped cream,
I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.

Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it!
Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’

Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and
hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment.
Then says
‘Where’s my toast ?’

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July 17, 2009 Posted by | Funnies | , , , , , | Leave a comment

Democrat Vs. Republican

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.”
She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Republican.”
“I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”
The man smiled and responded, “You must be a Democrat.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist. “But how did you know?”
“Well,” said the man, “You don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You’ve risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You’ve made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect ME to solve your problem. You’re in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now, it’s MY fault.

April 21, 2009 Posted by | Funnies, Jokes | , , , , | Leave a comment

Big Johnson Motorcycles

For those that don’t know:

HARLEY DAVIDSON FACES STIFF COMPETITION FROM JOHNSON MARINE WHO INTRODUCES A NEW LINE OF MOTORCYCLES
At a press conference late Monday, the CEO of Johnson Marine,
makers of Johnson outboard marine engines and other recreational
equipment, unveiled a new line of heavyweight cruiser style
motorcycles designed to compete head to head with industry leader
Harley-Davidson.
Peter Long, Johnson brands marketing manager said, “We have studied
the market and determined that Harley, while highly successful,
has narrowly missed the mark when targeting motorcycle buyers”. Long
added, “We at Johnson are convinced that our product hits the target
dead center and promises to draw sales away from Harley-Davidson
in a way no other motorcycle has been able to accomplish”.
The new line of bikes, marketed under the name Big Johnson
Motorcycles, will, according to Long, deliver what Harley has
only promised. “Our research show that this, a Big Johnson, is
what Harley buyers are really after”.
At the unveiling of the new line Monday, several current Harley
owners agreed. “When I bought my Harley, what I really needed was
a Big Johnson,” said one Harley owner.” But I see now that riding
a Harley is no replacement for having a Big Johnson.”
Manager Long also said that his company would follow the lead of
Harley-Davidson and cash in on a huge market for non-motorcycle
related products. “We realize that not every guy can have a Big
Johnson,” said Long, “But image is very important to people. If
they don’t have a Big Johnson, they at least want to project the
image of having one.”
Asked if he anticipated Big Johnsons showing up in the hands of
Harley owners, Long said it was unlikely. “I just don’t see the
need to have a Harley if you have a Big Johnson,” he said. “And I
can’t imagine someone who spends all their resources to acquire
a Harley having a Big Johnson. I think it boils down to this –
You either have a Harley, or you have a Big Johnson, but you
are not likely to have both.” “Given the choice,” said Long,
“I think most guys will opt for the Big Johnson.”
Another force driving sales for the company will come from women. A
survey of the wives and girlfriends of nearly 1,000 potential
motorcycle buyers indicates less than 5% would approve of their
partner spending $15,000 on a Harley Davidson. But, when asked if
they would be willing to pay the same amount of money to get their
partner a Big Johnson, nearly 4 out 5 thought that would be money
well spent.
One female present at the product unveiling was quoted as saying,
“There is no way I will let Lonnie drop 15 grand on another one of
those Harleys, but 15 grand to get him a Big Johnson? Well, that’s
something we could both enjoy, and it’s something he really needs.”
Carla Roundheel, manager of the dealership network now being
established, said her motto is simple. “I service what we sell.” Big
Johnson Motorcycles will be traded on the New York stock exchange
under the abbreviation PNSNV.

February 13, 2009 Posted by | Jokes | , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Men and Women Jokes

A man calls home to his wife and says, ‘Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing. We’ll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting so, could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend?, …and also get out my rod and tackle box from the attic?
We’re leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up,’ ‘…. Oh! … and please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas.’

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy, but, being the good wife,
she does exactly what her husband asked. Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, ‘Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike.
But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?

The wife replies, ‘I did. They’re in your tackle box.’

A man is undressing in the locker room of the country club after a round of golf, and one of his buddies notices that he is wearing a pair of panties.

“When did you start wearing women’s underwear?” the buddy asks.

The man replied, “Ever since my wife found a pair in the glove box of my car.”

February 13, 2009 Posted by | Jokes, Men/Women | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Don’t mess with the old dogs…

A wealthy old gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa , taking his faithful, elderly dog named Killer, along for the company.

One day the old dog starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old dog thinks, “Oh, no! I’m in it now!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old dog exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. “Whew!”, says the leopard, “That was close! That old dog nearly had me!”

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old dog sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”

Now, the old dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?”, but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old dog says…

“Now where’s that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!”

Moral of this story…
Don’t mess with the old dogs… age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

February 3, 2009 Posted by | Funnies | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Cooter and Gomer

Remind us of anyone we might know?

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two bestfriends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, ‘Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.’ The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, ‘Nope, ain’t Bubba.’

The mortician thought this was rather strange, so he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, ‘Yup, he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.’ The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, ‘No, it ain’t Bubba.’

The mortician asked, ‘How can you tell?’

Gomer said, ‘Well, Bubba had two a$$holes.’

‘What? He had two a$$holes?’ asked the mortician.

‘Yup, we never seen ’em, but everybody used to say: ‘There’s Bubba with them two a$$holes.’

If not, you might be one of them!

January 15, 2009 Posted by | Funnies | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Classic Rodney

I was so poor growing up … If I wasn’t born a boy … I’d have had nothing to play with.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

If it weren’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, “Hey buddy, why are you doing that?” He said, “Because you came home early.”

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning … put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid … when I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I was such an ugly baby … my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I’m so ugly … my father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born … the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, “We did everything we could … but he pulled through.”

I’m so ugly … my mother had morning sickness after I was born.

Once when I was lost … I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” “He said, “I don’t know kid … there are so many places they can hide.”

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I’m so ugly … I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get.

I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror… I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?” He said, “I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.”

I went to the doctor because I’d swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

October 30, 2008 Posted by | Funnies, Jokes | , , | Leave a comment

Bunny and Bob

Bunny and Bob, two frequent users of a chat room, discovered that they had a lot in common. Eventually, they abandoned the chat room for a more intimate correspondence. After months of virtual kinkiness, the two decided to meet each other face-to-face at a small café.

Bunny arrived a little late. One customer, a short, frail man with an eye patch, sat at the back of the café.

“Are you Bob?” asked Bunny.

“Yes I am,” said Bob.

“Unbelievable!” Bunny exclaimed. “You told me you were tall, dark and handsome.”

“How do you think I feel?” Bob asked, his face turning red with shame. “You told me you were skinny, blonde, and female!”

October 30, 2008 Posted by | Funnies, Jokes | , , , , | Leave a comment

A Year to Live

A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live.

He decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.

“What you should do is go out and buy a late ’70 or early ’80 model Dodge Pickup,” said the Pastor. “Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma.”

The fellow asked, “Will this help me live longer?”

“No,” said the pastor, “but it will make what time you do have seem like forever.”

October 30, 2008 Posted by | Funnies, Jokes | , , , , , , | Leave a comment