NirvanaPeace

Peace, Love, Joy, and Imagination…

Men and Women Jokes

A man calls home to his wife and says, ‘Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing. We’ll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting so, could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend?, …and also get out my rod and tackle box from the attic?
We’re leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up,’ ‘…. Oh! … and please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas.’

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy, but, being the good wife,
she does exactly what her husband asked. Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, ‘Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike.
But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?

The wife replies, ‘I did. They’re in your tackle box.’

A man is undressing in the locker room of the country club after a round of golf, and one of his buddies notices that he is wearing a pair of panties.

“When did you start wearing women’s underwear?” the buddy asks.

The man replied, “Ever since my wife found a pair in the glove box of my car.”

February 13, 2009 Posted by | Jokes, Men/Women | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

CNN Special on being Black in America

Lots of interesting reading at the link below.

http://www.cnn.com/SPECIALS/2008/black.in.america/

February 5, 2009 Posted by | Dealing with... | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Nine Things Women Say

1. FINE: This is the word a woman uses to end an arugment when she is right, and you need to shut up.

2. FIVE MINUTES:  If she’s dressing, it means a half hour. Five minutes only means five minutes if you’ve been given five minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. NOTHING:  This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with “nothing” usually end up in FINE.

4. GO AHEAD:  This is a dare, not permission-Don’t Do It.

5. LOUD SIGH:  A non-verbal statement that means she thinks you are an idiot and why is she standing there, aruging about Nothing? (see #3)

6. THAT’S OKAY:  This is a very dangerous statement. That’s Okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you’ll pay for your mistake!

7. THANKS:  When a woman thanks you don’t question or faint, just say you are welcome.

8. WHATEVER:  This is a woman’s way of saying F@&k You!

9. DON’  WORRY ABOUT IT, I’VE GOT IT:  This is something a woman has asked a man to do several times, and now she’s doing it herself. This will result in a man asking “what’s wrong?” See #3

January 20, 2009 Posted by | Men/Women | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

And then the fight started…

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive….
So, I took her to a gas station…..
And then the fight started…. 

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,”Do you want to have sex?
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And then the fight started…. 

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’
And she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too.’
And then the fight started….. 

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage .
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather out there is terrible.’
My loving wife of 30 years replied, ‘Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?’
And that’s how the fight started….. 

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’
‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘she’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many & years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’
‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’
And then the fight started….. 

I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it…. He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
‘I AM NOT HAPPY! !!’
So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’
And then the fight started….. 

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’
He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’
‘Nah, she can order for herself.’
And then the fight started….. 

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s darn near perfect.’
And then the fight started…..

January 15, 2009 Posted by | Funnies | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Brothel

THE BROTHEL

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather
dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

‘May I help you sir?” she asked.

‘I want to see Valerie,’ the man replied.

‘Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
prefer someone else’, said the madam.

‘No, I must see Valerie,’ he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged
$5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand
dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour,
the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see
Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in
a row as she was too expensive. And there were no discounts. The price
was still $5000.00

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they
went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was
astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid
Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man, ‘No one has ever
been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?’ she asked.

The man replied, ‘Ontario’.

‘Really’, she said. ‘I have family in Ontario.’

‘I know.’ the man said. ‘Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She
asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.’

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

December 12, 2008 Posted by | Funnies, Men/Women | , , , , | Leave a comment

Quotes of the Day

“I finally met the perfect woman, a fact I can’t ignore, she’s deaf and dumb and over sexed, and owns a liquor store.”

“Take good care of your body. It’s the only place you have to live.”

“The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.”

“Courtesy and Tolerance………Courtesy begets Tolerance and Tolerance begets Courtesy.”

“A man’s got to know his limitations.” Clint Eastwood as Dirty Harry

“Never put your motorcycle where your brain hasn’t already been.”

“Remember people……It’s just your opinion.”

Then, “Atlas Shrugged…”
In the world of Atlas Shrugged, society stagnates when independent productive achievers began to be socially demonized and even punished for their accomplishments, even though society had been far more healthy and prosperous by allowing, encouraging and rewarding self-reliance and individual achievement. Independence and personal happiness flourished to the extent that people were free, and achievement was rewarded to the extent that individual ownership of private property was strictly respected. The hero, John Galt, lives a life of laissez-faire capitalism as the only way to live consistent with his beliefs.

“I didn’t say I wouldn’t go fishin’ with the man”.

 “Lord thy sea is so great, my ship is so small.”

“The inherent vice of capitalism is the uneven division of blessings, while the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal division of misery.” Churchill

“All women are beautiful, and some are more beautiful than others.”

“Live for today, plan for the weekend……….”

“Life is a Journey. Enjoy it. You only get one.”

“A person 20 years old who is not a liberal has no heart, a person 40 years old who is not a conservative has no brain.”

“The toss doesn’t matter if you can’t see both sides of the coin.”

“get your motor running / head out on the highway / lookin’ for adventure / in whatever comes our way.”
“Born to Be Wild”

“The Biological purpose of pain is to prevent the recurrence of Stupidity.”

“blue jean baby LA lady she married a music man Ballerina you must have seen her dancing in the sand”- Elton John

“Karma is a beautiful thing.”

“If it’s got gears, electronics, or ****…it’s GONNA give guys problems.”

“There’s such a fine line between clever and stupid.”

“How hard can it be?” What people usually say before they do something really, really stupid.

“Annoy a liberal…..be prosperous and happy.”

“Broke but Stress-Free.”

“WHO AM I, WHERE AM I, AND WHAT’S MY PURPOSE FOR BEING HERE ?”

“I’m proud to say, I AM an American and a Christian. Born and bred Texan!!!
True to God, and the Red, White, and Blue!!!”

Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart……..

Where else can you:
Work for a Jewish man ?
Drive an American made car/truck (heco en Mexico)?
Work with an African American ?
Ride a Japanese bike ?
Eat at a Italian restaurant ?
Shoot Belgian guns at Canadian birds ?
Buy gas from an Arab ?
Press 2 for Spanish ?
Drink Russian vodka ?
Marry a fine German woman ? What a great country we do live in.

“So young, so angry…”

“America is not perfect…and never has been. Still, I challenge you to find a better nation on Earth.”

“PBR = Pabst Blue Ribbon beer… It has been getting ugly people laid for years in the USA.”

“Talking to you is like talking to my ex wife. So focused on trying to get your point across that you don’t listen to a voice of reason.”

“Education is not a substitute for common sense and leadership abilities.”

“Tolerance is the virtue of a man without principles.” G. K. Chesterson

“Quit playing games. Forget about it and move on.”

“Why is common sense not so common?”

“Do not throw sticks at the three legged dog. It will think you are playing.”

“Sorry for being so brutal, but you needed a slap back into reality.”

“There’s a fine line between enjoying the scenery and the road.”

“I’m much better looking on-line.”

“Looks like it’s… Showtime!”

“There’s nothing worse than aggressive stupidity.” Goethe

“You’re excused. I see where you’re from.”

“Stop drinkin” the Koolaid! You’re freakin’ me out!”

December 3, 2008 Posted by | Quotes | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment