Growing old…

Large font on purpose..
old people can read easier with bigger fonts……

An elderly gentleman…
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor
was able to have him
fitted for a set of hearing aids that
allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month
to the doctor and the doctor said,
‘Your hearing is perfect.
Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.’

The gentleman replied,
‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I’ve changed my will three times!’

…………………..

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting
on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
‘Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains.
I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?’

Slim says, ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’

‘Really!? Like a newborn baby!?’

‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.’
…………………………………
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house,
and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said,
‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was
really great. I would recommend it very highly.’

The other man said,
‘What is the name of the restaurant?’

The first man thought and thought and finally said,
‘What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know… The one that’s red and has thorns.’

‘Do you mean a rose?’

‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,
‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’

……………………………….

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.

During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay,
but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.

‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’

‘Sure.’

‘Don’t you think you should
write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.

‘No, I can remember it.’

‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too.
Maybe you should write it down, so’s not to forget it?’

He says, ‘I can remember that.
You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. ‘

‘I’d also like whipped cream,
I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.

Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it!
Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’

Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and
hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment.
Then says
‘Where’s my toast ?’

Keepin’ It Clean!

 

http://www.raincitystory.com/flash/screenclean.swf

Black Is In!

The most powerful politician in the world is Black.

The head of the Republican National Committee is Black.

The best known media mogul on earth is Black.

The greatest golfer in the world is Black.

The top female tennis players in the world are Black.

The highest grossing actor worldwide is Black.

The fastest racing driver in the world is Black.

The brightest Astrophysicist under the sun is Black.

The Superbowl-winning Head Coach is Black.

The most successful brain surgeon in the world is Black.

The fastest human on the planet is Black.

 

Michelle Jean is Canada ‘s first black Governor General.

… Michael Jackson must be kicking himself.

Democrat Vs. Republican

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.”
She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Republican.”
“I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”
The man smiled and responded, “You must be a Democrat.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist. “But how did you know?”
“Well,” said the man, “You don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You’ve risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You’ve made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect ME to solve your problem. You’re in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now, it’s MY fault.

Welfare Poem

 Welfare Poem

I cross ocean,

poor and broke,

Take bus,

see employment folk.

Nice man treat me

good in there,

Say I need to

see welfare.

Welfare say,

‘You come no more,

We send cash

right to your door.’

Welfare checks,

they make you wealthy,

Medicaid it keep

you healthy!

By and by,

I get plenty money,

Thanks to you,

American dummy.

Write to friends

in motherland,

Tell them ‘come

fast as you can.’

They come in turbans

and Ford trucks,

I buy big house

with welfare bucks

They come here,

we live together,

More welfare checks,

it gets better!

Fourteen families,

they moving in,

But neighbor’s patience

wearing thin.

Finally, American guy

moves away,

Now I buy his house,

and then I say,

‘Find more aliens

for house to rent.’

And in the yard

I put a tent.

Send for family

they just trash,

But they, too,

draw the welfare cash!

Everything is

very good,

And soon we

own the neighborhood.

We have hobby

it’s called breeding,

Welfare pay

for baby feeding.

Kid’s need dentist?

Wife’s need pills?

We get free!

We got no bills!

American’s crazy!

He pay all year,

To keep welfare

running here.

We think America

darn good place!

Too darn good for

the American race.

If they no like us,

they can scram, 0A

Got lots of room in Pakistan .

It is interesting that the federal government provides a single refugee with a monthly allowance of $1,890.00 and each can also get an additional $580.00 in social assistance for a total of$2,470.00 .

This compares very well to a single pensioner who after contributing to the growth and development of America for 40 to 50 years can only receive a monthly maximum of $1,012.00 in old age pension and Guaranteed Income Supplement.

Maybe our pensioners should apply as refugees!

Father of the Child

From the SV1000 web site:
British Child Support Agency Forms…

The following are all real replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father’s details:

These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check number
11, it takes the prize.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Tyrone Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being
sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived
at a party at 36 Nottingham Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number?
Thanks.

4. I don’t know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW
that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area, and see if he’s had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope
confirming that my son’s conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A’s dad as he informs me that to do
so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications
for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look
the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

8. Leroy Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him,
can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro
Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for
sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I’d have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive , mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when
you eat a can of beans you can’t be sure which one made you fart.
__________________
Doing his best to increase the population of the UK !!!

Johnny the Baptist

JOHNNY THE BAPTIST and his followers…

Matt. 18:4-5  
 ‘Therefore,
whoever humbles himself
like this child is the greatest
in the kingdom of heaven.
And whoever welcomes
a little child like this
in my name welcomes me.’  
 

Johnny’s Mother
looked out
the window
and noticed him
‘playing church’
with their cat.
 
He had the cat
sitting quietly
and he was
preaching to it.
She smiled
and went
about her work.
 
A while later
she heard loud
meowing & hissing
and ran back
to the open window
to see Johnny
baptizing the cat
in a tub of water.
She called out,
 
‘Johnny, stop that!
 
The cat is afraid of water!’
 
Johnny looked up
at her and said,
‘He should have thought
 about that
before he joined
my church.’

CDC Medical Alert

---

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.

This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever – DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes – Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

Global Warming…through the decades

Johnny’s Hot Bike

It was the summer of 86, my brother-in-law Johnny got a job promotion and decided it was time he got back into riding. He had sold his pan head chopper a few years earlier to make a down payment.

I moved back from Alaska and had bought a new wide glide the summer before, and was telling him of the great adventures I was having. He started shopping around, and found a really nice shovel that had just been rebuilt and the speed shop was wanting their money.

 
It was a pretty bike with a new paint job, it had been stroked, bored and cammed to the max. Johnny had the bike about a week when he rode out to the field to watch us cut wheat. He pulled into the stubble and parked for a few minutes when he decided to ride over to a neighbors house.

 
Johnny kicked the bike over a couple of times when it backfired and set the air cleaner on fire. The carburetor had flooded and soaked the filter with gasoline. He pulled off his T shirt and tried to smother the fire, his shirt caught fire, and the flames were leaping around the gas tank so Johnny pushed the bike over on its side.

 
He pulled his boots of so he could get his jeans off and try to beat the fire out. About the time his jeans caught fire the neighbor had seen the smoke and drove up in his pickup with a shovel. Johnny grabbed the shovel and started trying to smother the fire with dirt. The fuel line had burned in two and the heat had pressurized the tank, the rubber fuel line was spraying gasoline everywhere.

 
Johnny stopped trying when the rear tire blew. I pulled up a few minutes later and saw Johnny standing there in his underwear with bloody feet from trying to dig in the hard ground without boots and streaks down his face where the tears had washed the black soot off.

I looked the situation over and said “would you like a cold beer”? He said “I sure would.” I said “Me too, wish I had some.”